Posted by: Me on: February 6, 2010
As I look back at my 30s, I realize that I spent all of it sleepwalking. The past decade I let go of the person I was, and let in some crazy, spinster lady who was afraid of her own shadow. There are a lot of people I could blame: shitty bosses, my ex-husband, Dude, guys in general … but the only one I can blame is myself.
The 30s were supposed to be my good years. You know, the time in my life when I really come into the person I am supposed to be. Instead, I became a bitter, scared little girl. As they say, THE BUCK STOPS NOW!
So my husband left me at the tender age of 31. F#$% HIM! My boss who never once told me that I was good at my job, thus creating a lingering self-doubt and fear of authority that I still effing have nearly a decade later… F#$% HIM, too. It’s time I finally take back my life, not be afraid to go after what I want, and learn that it’s okay to want better for my life.
I’ve spent some of my last year of my 30s getting rid of toxic people, but I never rid myself of toxic thoughts and feelings. Well, that cleanse starts right now.
Before I list what things I need to cleanse (which will be a separate list, as it will be long), I do have to address the one person who is both my muse and my tormentor: Dude. Yes, I do know that kicking him out of my life completely would be the best thing for me.
Could I do it? Probably. Is it feasible? No. We work in the same industry, know many of the same people, it would be more awkward than it is now. I am still navigating my way through it, and it is getting easier, although some days are harder than others. But to totally kick him to the curb, I won’t do it.
BUT, it is my sincere hope that after I go through this self-cleanse, that the Dude situation will take care of itself. If I come out of this detox the way I envision I will, I will find a “boyfriend I deserve” (to quote something Dude said to me exactly a year ago).
Then Dude will just be someone I really liked once. Much like all of the other guys from my past who once were the objects of my affection, and are now just guys whom at one point in my life, I really liked.
Posted by: Me on: February 4, 2010
My declaration of my emancipation from Dude was completely premature. And I will admit that I decided to end this blog a bit prematurely. And I will admit that it was probably a selfish, stupid mistake to let Dude back in. But, hey, I’m completely human, right? I let my emotions get the best of me, and here I am, two weeks later, and I’m back to where I started. Dammit! Damn it to hell, I say.
This time, however, my friendship with Dude is on solid ground. My emotions, however, remain on the roller coaster. Sure, I’m still hooked on him (for what reason, I STILL have no friggin’ clue) and I have resigned myself to the fact that these feelings will always be here, nagging me, making me nauseous, and creating much more stress than I need. Unless, I can find someone to fill the void he left. But truth be told, it’s a HUGE emotional void. (DAMMIT!)
And don’t think that I will run back to Jonathon either. Although we hang out occasionally, and sometimes make out, he still kind of repulses me. It doesn’t help that Jonathon did one of his famous freak-out things last weekend. Friendship: Over. (Unless he gets the help he should desperately seek.)
Here I am, about two months from my 40th birthday. But these latest turn of events have served a greater purpose. Something unexpected. It made me realize that my list of “40 Things to Do Before the Big 4-0” is just a bunch of BS items so I can say I actually accomplished something. So what if I don’t take a ride in a hot air balloon before I turn 40. It will be there when I turn 41. What I really need to do is conquer the fears and get rid of the baggage that I’ve been carrying around all these years.
So, I am ending my quest to complete the 40 things to do before I turn 40, for something that is more relevant and personal. I want to enter my 40s a confident woman, and leave the hesitant girl behind. And, no, I am not giving it up because I didn’t accomplish even 25% of the list. I am giving it up because in the scheme of things, I need to work on my soul before I can grow up.
And, no, I don’t think I will walk away from this blog. I still need an outlet to unload my baggage. One item at a time.
Posted by: Me on: January 24, 2010
These tears I cry, aren’t tears of pain and sorrow. These are tears of happiness. Because after 12 months of living with a constant pain in my heart, I’ve finally let Dude go.
I don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty details, but Dude and I were able to finally end our story, and it was by MY terms not his. Nearly a year to the date when he told me that we couldn’t continue our “relationship” (for lack of a better word), I was able to get the closure I needed all those months ago.
There is still a great deal of healing that I need to do, and I may need to start going back to therapy. But I am happy that Dude and I can finally be friends, without this dark cloud hovering over me. I have finally let him go, and that’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Now, it’s time for me to move on. And a part of moving on is to end this blog. I’ve enjoyed it, it has been cathartic for me, and I will forever grateful that I had a forum to express my deepest thoughts and feelings. And I appreciate my friends who read this for your support, and for keeping my anonymity (as well as those who I mentioned on this blog).
On my 40th birthday, in a mere two months away, I am planning to post my final post of “My Not-So Crazy Life.” On that day, my hope is that I will truly be free from Dude, thus leaving me with nothing to post. I may start another blog in the near future, but for now, I will focus on the last two months of my 30s, and will celebrate finally breaking free from “Operation D”!
UPDATE 1/24/10
I don’t know who the hell I’m kidding. I’m still not over him. I made the mistake and let him back in – if only for a couple of hours – and now I can’t stop thinking about him. I do not regret seeing him the other night. And the idea that I was over him was fleeting. Unfortunately, my heart can’t let go, and I DON’T KNOW WHY! I am seriously considering some hynotherapy right now.
